To unpathed waters, undreamed shores…

Every time Olivia Locascio saw someone she knew studying abroad, she knew there was no way she wasn’t going to do it too. But then something changed her mind…

You get to travel the world, you get to meet people from all over the world, you get to try new foods that you wouldn’t otherwise try if you’re at home; the list goes on. For me as well, I could take a break from studying Law. I signed up to do a semester abroad for subjects that counted towards my Communication degree.

The process was all seemingly smooth sailing from the beginning. Get the right marks. Write a personal statement. Choose five options of places you’d want to stay. I landed on my third option; Venice, Italy. The first two being Milan and Madrid, and the last two being Pamplona and Paris. I wanted to stretch my comfort zone so far as only going to non-English speaking countries. There was no doubt about that. I come from an Italian background, so I wanted to be able to immerse myself completely in the Italian culture and learn how to speak to my family on the other side of the world. Plus, I had never been to Venice before.

I was fortunate enough that my dad was able to organise for him and my brother to take me to Italy and spend the first two weeks with me discovering our roots in Sicily and Turin. I had plenty of friends from high school who were either also conducting a semester abroad or were already living in various places in Europe. There was safety and security almost everywhere. So why were the weeks leading up to me leaving the worst weeks I’ve ever endured in my entire life?

It was two months before I was to set onto my four to six month adventure. New beginnings. New adventures. Too much newness for my liking. A new form of anxiety had kicked in, like I’d never felt before. I had felt moments of anxiousness before; whether it was the days leading up to exams or after submitting an assignment. That was all controlled. This wasn’t. It got to the point where every time I left the house and get in my car, my heart would start racing and my hands would instantly get clammy. I could’ve been in class, I could’ve been getting lunch with a friend, or even at work, but somehow everything I did, I didn’t want to look up. I didn’t want to face the world around that was causing my body to feel like it was breaking from the inside out.

I sought therapy in the weeks leading up to my departure. It was mostly helpful in pinpointing where my anxiety was stemming from and discussing various methods I could use to weaken the symptoms. But with anything, you have to find what’s right for you. And that takes a long time.

The plane ride over was torture. Turns out, I’m an anxious flyer. This was also new to me. The first two weeks with my dad and brother were torture. The fact that I was going to be away from home for such a long time had me not ever wanting to leave where I was staying. I wanted to see the world through the comfort of my bed. I know, that makes no sense, but nothing was making sense to me at the time.

My dad and brother left, and I spent a few days with my mum. The same things were happening. At least, at this point, I was able to try and whip out a fake smile. But once she left too, it was all on me.

It was very easy to make friends. I had a few people I knew already from my home university. Venice is a European cultural melting point. The majority of the people that lived there were Italian, but every other nationality wasn’t far behind. Honestly, the semester was like three months of O-Week. I was twenty-two years old at this point and was in my fifth year at university. I think I was done with O-Week after my first year. I had always and still do pride myself on my ability to make friends and talk to anyone, but when your mental space feels like it’s been pierced with thorns, it’s too hard to remember what you were like before.

I chose subjects that were based around the history of Venice, Italian language and culture, and the arts of Venice and the Veneto region. I was fortunate enough that I had made a friend that was in pretty much all of my classes. I can’t thank her enough for her friendship and company during this time. Another friend I made like this is also still with me at my home university, which I’m incredibly thankful for too. I had made some other really great friends that I connected with in terms of interests and passions, rather than trying to be friends with whoever for the sake of being friends. I was able to travel to Madrid, Munich for Oktoberfest, Slovenia, London, Poland, and even some of Venice’s neighbouring cities like Treviso and Bologna. Some of these trips were with friends from home. Some of them were solo; apparently, I really wanted to test the limits of my anxiety. But I had to do it in order to discover that I don’t actually like to travel alone. The beautiful moments that our lives and the world can offer us are, to me, only worthwhile when you have someone there with you to share in the joy. My cousin also came and met me in Venice, and we were able to experience the Venetian life together and travel to Padua for a day. This was a very special time for us both.

My semester abroad was no doubt the most challenging thing I’ve ever done in my life. I not only learnt certain things about myself, but I accepted many things about myself that I perhaps once tried to block. I eventually did open myself up to the opportunities that were around me. Still don’t believe me that this trip for me was worthwhile? Well, as soon as I started to give the adventure a proper go, but most importantly give myself a go, the semester abroad had me complimenting myself for the first time, and I actually meant it.

Fast forward to six months later. I thought I’d really test myself in all the new knowledge I had gained of myself and the world around me. I decided to undertake an international legal internship, which gave me credit towards a Law elective. After my European journey, I wanted to undertake new territory and travel back to the USA. I’m fortunate that I have family that live on Long Island, New York, so there was always a place to stay there and enjoy the city. I used my resources and was able to land an international legal internship with an attorney in Connecticut.

Naturally, all the same thoughts and worries came flooding in when the internship was all organised. Is the flight going to feel like hell again? Am I going to feel the same sort of isolation with no immediate family members around? Will I want to spend the whole experience just lying around in my bedroom again? Or will I decide that I actually deserve to have a fulfilling time, and understand how immense my part is in having that happen?

I booked my flights. I was proud of myself that I did that. It’s important to toot your own horn every now and then, even with the small things. But of course, that doesn’t ever completely hinder all the negative thoughts from occurring. I had a discussion with my mum about what would happen if I was to potentially cancel the trip due to my fear. I wasn’t planning on eventually giving into the fear, but it helped to know what would happen if I did, and how much I would lose. I knew I needed that reassurance that it would be perfectly okay if I did ultimately cancel the trip. I didn’t feel ashamed in getting that information. I knew that I was the kind of person that needed to be aware of all the possible scenarios that could occur, and that taking any avenue you desire is completely okay. I guess my newfound knowledge of myself from exchange came in handy.

What ultimately got me to do the trip was weighing up all the good and bad points of the international internship. I would get credit for a subject. I would escape the terrible July winter. I was going to an English-speaking country. I had members of my extended family there that could actually speak English. I’d get to travel to New York City. I would prove to myself that I didn’t need someone I was close with around me to undertake new and scary adventures, and that I could ultimately rely on myself.

The internship was probably the best experience I’ve had in my life so far. Despite working in the grim area of child protection law, I was able to hold myself when it came to conversations with fellow attorneys, judges and other interns. I had no problem in getting myself from A to B, as every weekend I was travelling either via ferry or train from Connecticut to Long Island, and Manhattan. In opening myself up to these experiences completely, I learnt that Americans are incredibly kind people. In any circumstance I was in, if I looked a little lost, or if I was limping (I sprained my ankle in my third week) whilst dragging my suitcase around the train station, there was always someone that was willing to help.

Maybe I never gave anyone whilst I was on exchange, or anyone while I was in Sydney struggling with my anxiety, the chance to show how helpful people generally are. I had a wonderful time getting to know my extended family members; I got to know them and what they’ve done in their lives, and the cultural values that they espouse.

I looked at my time there as a blessing, and nothing less. I was then able to look at my life back home as a blessing. I’m so fortunate that I’ve had a nurturing upbringing, and a terrific education that has offered me countless opportunities to take on new experiences. But I also looked at my struggle on exchange as a blessing too. Because without that experience, I would never have been able to have the experience I had while doing the international internship. I would never have learnt, and accepted, things about myself that I didn’t know, or perhaps tried to ignore.

Every person has a different way of thinking and has had different experiences happen to them in their life. There’s no way I have the answer now on what to do when you’re struggling considerably mentally, nor have I found the answers completely for myself. What I do know is that once you start giving your life around you a proper go, you get to experience the most important things of all. Connections. Family. Friendship. Love. Love for everyone around you, and ultimately, love for yourself.

Thinking about doing a semester abroad, going on exchange or doing an international internship? Check out UTS Global Exchange https://www.uts.edu.au for more information.

This article originally appeared in The Comma’s 2019 annual edition.

To see the individual articles of the magazine, go here